On Being Single

I just got done hosting another Instant Pot meal in my rig this evening. After everyone left, I just had one thought: I wish there was someone that stayed here with me. I wish I wasn’t single.

The difference between a homeless person living out of their van and a #vanlife dweller is how they came to the situation they’re in. For those that have no choices left in their life and are forced to live in their vehicle out of necessity, and generally don’t like the situation, are homeless. Those individuals that chose to live a life of adventures and opportunities and see a small RV (or van) as a means to accomplish it, and are generally happy folks, are #vanlife dwellers.

I had a thought tonight that being single might have a similar dichotomy. There are those individuals that are single by choice, and are perfectly happy with it and wouldn’t have their lives any other way. Then there are others, like myself, that want more than anything to *not* be single, but stubbornly are.

I have had the ability during my life thus far to basically choose my path.  If obstacles came around, it may have taken me time, but through patience and effort, I’ve found my way to where I am now, which is a pretty good place to be.  I’m traveling the country with a group of friends, barely on any kind of a schedule, working part-time, and  thoroughly enjoying life.  But the fact that at the end of the day I’m still alone, still searching for “the one”, has been increasingly bothering me as of late.

OK, bothering me barely begins to describe it.  Several times in the past couple weeks I’ve gotten mentally “stuck” on the repeating thoughts of, “I’m single.  I don’t want to be single.  How do I fix it?” (repeat, repeat, repeat).  I’ll have a great day out with one or more people from the group, doing whatever it is we’re doing (hiking, shopping, exploring, whatever), and when we all separate and go off to our separate rigs, I’m struck like a bat across the face with the feelings of loneliness.

Why am I lonely though?  I will often spend the entire day with the group!  Sometimes 1-on-1 with different individuals, sometimes the whole group.  We have “work-parties”, we share meals, we plan for our future trips.  I don’t feel in any way that I’m being excluded from anything.  I’m eternally grateful to have this group!  Why then do I still feel lonely?

Here’s the most difficult part to put out on the internet for the whole world to see: touch.  Simple, basic, human touch.  I crave it.  I feel like there’s a need in me that isn’t being fulfilled and I’m unable to be a complete person without it.  I want more than anything to cuddle with someone that wants to be with me.

I try to fix problems in my life.  If something is difficult or inconvenient, I’ll figure out ways to make it easier.  To make it more convenient.  Major problems are not even something that comes up because they’ve been solved a long time ago.  Because I am the person that I am, my natural tendency is to try to fix this too.  And that’s where I run into trouble.

Relationships are not problems to be fixed.  No matter how hard one person tries, they cannot be created, maintained, fixed, or otherwise enhanced by a single party.  Trust me, I know, I’ve tried, and failed.  Horribly.

So if a relationship with a potential cuddle partner isn’t something I can single-handidly create, then how do I have my desires met?  This is where I get stuck.  I don’t have the tools to be able to handle this situation.  I don’t know what to do.  This is where I struggle.  I can’t fix this.

For me, having something I can’t control is frustrating and stressful.  Having this situation gnaw at me certainly doesn’t help my mood which in turn makes the underlying problem even worse!  Obviously another approach (or multiple approaches) is necessary.

The best “solution” I’ve come up with thus far is a thoroughly unsatisfying one.  Basically, continue my life to the best of my ability, enjoy what I can, and try (utilizing any and all mind games necessary) to ignore the things I can’t control.  I say this is an unsatisfying solution because it essentially ignores the festering mental health issue I have bouncing around inside my head.  My natural tendency would be instead to go directly after the issue and fix it.  But it’s the best I can do, it seems.

Fortunately it seems that some kind of brain chemistry must be at work here and as such, those levels fluctuate.  Sometimes I’m crawling-up-the-walls-crazy, but at the moment, I’m fine with my situation.  Since nothing substantive has changed in the time between those two states, and I know that sooner or later I’ll be back to crawling-the-walls-crazy, it seems to be more related to brain chemistry than something thoroughly logical and consistent.

I’m writing all of this for the same reason I write all of my blog entries: This is, more or less, a public diary of my life and my experiences.  My ups and downs, and the path along the way.  Woe is not me, my life documented this is.

“No matter where you go, there you are.”  When you’re an active RVer, you go all kinds of places, and every place you end up, you’re always going to be in your own head.  RV’ing by itself will not fix whatever problems you’re dealing with in the sticks-and-brick world.  It may, however, help you gain a little clarity, and I hope with time, find a better path forwards.